POCKET FULL OF SUNSHINE

Out of much love and respect (and to prove I'm not mad/pissed/deeply wounded) this blog is being dedicated to my nearest and dearest BMF, K and my WBF, J.

A SMILING FACE
How can she always carry a smile?Cheerful and joyous all the while?So happy a face, unknown to pains,Soothing my summers like showers of rains.I envy the smile and close my eyes,And seek as to why she never cries,Then appeal in her face as if starts to grow,And am forced to stare, no reasons I know.Brings tears of joy, as it fondles the memories,Kindling my desires and wiping my worries,Lost in the charm of the smiling face,I chase the voids to crave happiness.Not a dream that I see, but a face in sight,Like a blooming rose, so lovely and bright,Giving me hope for the unknown tomorrow,As a silver lining in the clouds of sorrow... (excerpt, by Arunabha Sengupta)

My daughter's unconditional love and joy in all things, making (and eating!) the perfect cupcake, steamy sweet caramel macchiatos, sparkly pink painted toenails, cold fizzy bubbles that you inhale from a freshly opened Coke, the waxy smell and limitless possibilities of a big box of Crayons, hanging ornaments on every last single branch of the Christmas tree, finding orange clearance stickers on a random stroll through Walgreens, truly hilarious bumper stickers, the breath-stealing awe of joyful tears at weddings/for new babies/chick movies, unexpected comfort and hugs from friends when your world goes topsy, warm soft kisses, precisely applying a girlfriends eyeshadow, singing at the top of your lungs to hits from the 80's with the radio on a boring drive home, fun spirit-lifting phone calls with your best friend, fitting just right against your honey's side while snuggling on the couch watching cop shows, edge-sitting vampire movies, platinum blonde spiky hair, looking out an airplane window to see nothing but clouds and horizon... these are a few of my favorite (positive!) things

Thank you for helping me remember to check the other side on occasion (and for taking time away from your goodwill missions w/ Brad Pitt)

FAT TUESDAY VOL. 1-4

Ok, so 2% less doesn't make a huge difference (unless it's off the cost of say, a house or Bugatti,)but I'll take it. As much as I would like to attribute this to peanut butter/Dorito sandwiches and Coke Zero, that's probably not the case (new trend, anyone? No? Okay, that's cool)... so I would like to take time to thank the following contributors to this weeks weight loss - 1. Water (sorry, coke!) 2. Fruits and Veggies (you know who you are :)) 3. Sweat (you weren't my favorite, but you were there for me) - MUCH LOVE!
Previous weeks' goals are half done. I still haven't created a healthy food plan, mostly I've been winging it day by day. This is a dangerous road, as it makes fast food and desk-top candy dishes very tempting. I'll make myself work on it at lunch, since it's just a matter of sitting down and writing up a shopping list/menu. Sticking to it once you have the stuff is usually easy, too. Unless you have a boyfriend who insists on lavishing you with fancy dinners and plying you with wine and frou-frou cocktail beverages. Not that that kind of an evening is an everyday occurrence, but indulgence tends to breed indulgence, and it's hard to stop a downward slide that's made up of creamy cheese cake or delicately prepared appetizers (or even ice cream and cheeseburgers!). Sometimes you should treat yourself, but sometimes you just CAN'T! Not when your will power is teetering on a razor edge, not if you don't have someone who will say stop, that's enough - and mean it. It helps if you give yourself enough time and respect and commitment to be that person yourself, in fact its probably the only way to truly succeed.
Another goal I am still going to have to work on is saying something nice every day. To someone. Unfortunately, it seems I've only gotten more sharp-tongued and hateful towards people. Granted, sweating tends to do that to me, but that's really just an excuse. Being complimentary does not come naturally to me (another excuse, jeez!), but it's nothing practice can't overcome. The awkwardness will eventually fade (right?!). What I need to is find a book on this on Amazon...

MAMAS DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS

Cranky would be a very polite way to describe my attitude first thing this morning, but things have since calmed considerably in my mind. This past weekend was a bitch, let me tell you.
First of all, I moved on Friday and in general, physically moving from one address to another sucks butt - this was no exception. Have to give huge kudos and thanks to my man for helping me (or literally doing 98% of the manual labor involved, and driving the giant truck, whichever you want to call it). He is like He-Man, Wolverine, and Mr. T all mixed together. Friday was HOT! So we were sweating like pigs. Then it rained briefly in the afternoon... and the storage place opened an hour late. Grrrr!
Second, when I went back to clean on Saturday, I loaded up the stuff that my sister wanted, and she wasn't even home! This wouldn't have been such a big deal, but I had my daughter and niece with me and by the end of the day, they were working my last nerves. Also, the major thing she wanted was a washing machine that I was going to let her have and moving that into my dad's truck was very, very hard. And it rained again... like a crazy freak deluge that was just enough to make this very heavy thing super-slippery.
Third, and last was trying to get all my stuff organized and clean and settled yesterday. Oh, and the fact that I now have to wake up before dawn, and my new phone being all jacked up, made for a cranky, not in the mood for everyone's horse-shit (but they gave it to me anyway) kind of morning.
p.s. and the Texans were beaten by the Cowboys of all people - not cool!

FAT TUESDAY VOL. 1-3

Right off I'm going to say that I know it's Wednesday, but Tuesday had to be experienced in it entirety before it could be expressed by the written word...
Do you remember the animosity in my 'Elephant Never Forgets' blog? Well, the mean girls are back. No, you really are mean! Done sugar-coating your hateful behavior, I'm laying it out there. It would be tolerable, and you would have every right, to brag about being skinny if that is what you would go ahead and do... but your bullshit 'look at me' whining about your weight (I'm sorry but no one who weighs 120 lbs or less should ever say they need to lose 15 lbs) is such a call for help, it boggles my mind. (this is not about you, J)
That being said, I would like to ask Shutterbug Mama how she got that picture of me from last night (the one from yesterday). Yeah, that was me - 1 am, up and packing with a fervor that could only be matched by a Tasmanian devil cartoon character. At one point I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost my mind, but they were soon resigned to the fact that "that girl is gonna cuss and talk to herself and throw stuff for a while yet, guess we better turn up the t.v., pa". Yeah, I may have amused myself by giving them different accents and lives and what-not throughout the years I've lived here. Anyway, I stayed up until 3 am packing and wishing I had a coke and not thinking about my diet or exercise, just trying to get stuff done so that this knot of nerves in my stomach will go the h-e-double hockey sticks AWAY.
This weeks goal - 1. FOOD PLAN (for gosh sakes, really!)
2. MOVE IT!!!!
3. WATCH BIGGEST LOSER (then tell yourself you have it bad - I dare you)
4. SAY SOMETHING NICE TO SOMEONE EVERYDAY (spending the rest of the day being a snotty b-word cancels this out, so it's not an excuse to be cranky to those that would destroy you)
5. DON'T LET DIETING MAKE YOU SO UPSET!
Peace!

DIME STORE HOOKERS

It would seem that I am in a mildly cranky mood today. Though cranky may be too strong a word, maybe 'not giving a shit' would better describe it. My problem is that I'm moving next week and the pressure to have everything packed and ready is stressing me out. Big time. Nothing looks done no matter how much I do... it sucks! Why do we have so much crap? Do I need to go to a program for compulsive shopping or something? It's not like we have piles of old newspapers or clothes from the 60's or stuff from the Home Shopping Network laying around.

The thing is, things are getting done and it will be ready to go on time, but I've always had this fatalistic attitude when it comes to personal deadlines. Like I'm going to fail no matter how hard I try, and though I'm trying to work that out... sometimes it pops out in me when I least expect it. Have I ever actually missed a necessary deadline? NO. In fact, I tend to be obsessive about being prompt, but that is actually part of the problem now that I'm reading what I'm typing...

OMG - a dude with a mullet may have just walked by my desk... who's to say?! I didn't get a good look at him, just an impression out of the corner of my eye. Random - Shutterbug Mama, please tell me you saw that. lol!!!

Oh, jeez, that laughter just made my day... who would have ever thought that a mullet actually served a purpose. Well, here's to simplifying my life. May God have mercy on my soul.

FAT TUESDAY VOL. 1-2

So maybe I should start calling this blog 'Obese Tuesday'. Swear to God trying to lose weight sucks so bad. You have to be conscious of everything you eat, drink and all the sweat...

Then you read an online article about how America is the fattest country in the known universe and everyone hates it. By everyone I mean the rest of the planet. Or probably France, they are seriously harboring many passive-aggressive feelings towards us. Don't get me started.


The goal I set last week was to move, and mission accomplished... but I was kinda lax on the food monitoring. Pretty sure I had 3 hamburgers over the last 7 days, and I know that dinner one night consisted of cupcakes. And they had donuts at church on Sunday - shouldn't godly donuts be calorie-free? Who's making the rules up around here, anyway?!

Anyway, in deference to my untamed menu planning, I went on a few websites (thanks Jillian Michaels and MyFitFoods!) and started to put together a 'nutritional goal sheet' or some such hoo-ha. Actually it was kind of fun

So to set this week's goal -

1. Make a food plan!!

2. keep moving

PUNKILICIOUS

In the spirit of Mondays being a 'getting to know me' blog day...

Do you remember that Friends episode where Ross and Rachel got to pick their celeb "freebies"? A famous person they could be w/without fear of reproach or any drama from the other person? ( I know the concept has been used repeatedly since and no, I don't know or want to know if it was used prior). Well... I am just saying that I have a HUGE secret crush on - Billy Idol. I know, he's old and junk but I really don't care! Should we meet on the street (or anywhere else in the whole, vast universe) and he asked me to do anything, I would so be there. While trying to put a list together of why I love him I realized it was too embarrassingly long so I am going to say only a few points;
1. Platinum, spiky hair - delish!
2. Super-hot eye make-up (he is one of the few who can pull this off and still look soooo masculine)
3. British accent - yeah, it makes a difference
4. THAT VOICE... in general, it's just wow

Ok, so I realize that the whole list is totally cliche and would piss off all the regular guys out there, but cliches are cliches because they're generally true, right? How many of you dudes think cheerleaders are hot on principle? My point exactly.

DOING THE ROBOT...

OMG! Just going to ask a little question here - what makes men think they are not complicated and full of drama in relationships? Because let me tell you, there would be almost zero drama in my personal life if not for the guys in it (not you, K, you're the only one I understand).
There are some very mixed signals I'm getting these days - so I'm going to push all thoughts and decisions about men and relationships aside and just concentrate on my personal make-over. There are things that I want to get in order before the end of the year, some are dorky, but they're all important to me
1.Watch season 2 of Lost
2.Make exercise a daily thing (it burns!)
3.Clean out any and all stuff I don't need or use (thanks Hoarders!)
4.Lose the weight (and not find it)
5.Stop biting my nails
6.Buy more shoes (not the sensible ones)

MY PRECIOUS....

Here is one thing no one should ever do - watch 3 hours of the show "Hoarders" in a row. Unfortunately, I had to stay up until 2 am Monday night watching the show to figure that out, which made me all tired and cranky and introspective yesterday. Not cool! This is not a show I would normally even try to watch, as they have a habit of finding some yucky stuff amongst the heaps of refuse that are these people's lives. Seriously, in one episode they found some carcasses of this lady's pets that she had thought 'ran off' buried beneath random piles of junk and trash. Ick. She had to go down the street to a little diner to use the bathroom and wash off because her bathroom was; a. full of garbage and b. not functional anyway.
Oh, jeez, I can't talk about it anymore I'm making myself ill.
Funny thing, though is that I totally started cleaning house around the end of episode 2, right? But after 'Hoarders' there is an episode of 'Obsessed' about people who can't stop cleaning... a very confusing message the network is sending us... that's all I'm going to say.

FAT TUESDAY - VOL.1-1

Big mama is going to lose some weight!!! That's right everybody, and you can read about it right here every Tuesday - prepare yourself for the emotional roller coaster that can only be ridden by the truly messed up. Today is day one of my "lifestyle change" - said w/perky, I-so-used-to-be-a-cheerleader-now-I'm-like-totally-a-nutritionist voice. (FYI, typing dashes is labor-intensive and doesn't really feel natural, so you wont be getting that again)
Like all larger ladies (and gents), I know how to lose weight and I've done it before. The problem is the mind-set, the habits, and I'll be the first (and maybe only one) to admit that the biggest problem is pure laziness. Exercising is not my fave thing to do, and in fact, I kinda hate it. No pain is literally NO PAIN right? Who wants to 'feel the burn'? Isn't burning a bad thing? They teach that to small children, don't they? Sighhhhhhhh......
Well, guess what?! I need to put on my big girl panties and get out there. Do I really want my daughter to think that looking/feeling/acting this way is normal? Is that anything but selfish? This tells me something about myself, and that something is that I need an attitude adjustment. Seriously! Maybe my buns don't need to be made of steel, but right now they are almost completely buns of donuts, which is kind of gross now that I'm reading it... but completely true!
So today's agenda is to actually move around when I get home tonight... no TV, no trying to find my exact butt-print in the sofa, no Facebook (embarrassment!) but real MOVEMENT.

GOAL #1 - YOU GOT TO MOVE IT!

THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

Going to start a new Monday night blog thing... telling something about myself that is relatively unknown. Tonight you'll be shocked/amazed/and disturbed to learn about my luv for chewy Lifesavers while watching 80's kids movies that feature puppets (anyone remember Labarynth?). I just think those Jim Henson-ish characters are sooo great in movies. Oh and remember the ones in Never Ending Story? I miss those movies so much!

ARE YOU GOING TO SCARBOROUGH FAIR?

ok... first I must say that neither I, nor Blogger, in any way, shape or form endorse, condone, or at all think it's cool to use, abuse, or know about prescription drugs. That being said...

I have a toothache, and due to the fact that it was EXCRUCIATING, medication was given to relieve the ache in the tooth. And medication is gooood. :)
Never before have my coworkers seen me in such a jolly, relaxed kind of mood. I am at peace w/ the universe... if peace equals spontaneous singing... and I think it might. Wonder how Joe will react to the more mellow me? Hopefully with good cheer and smooching. That would be nice. I'm going to go listen to "Tequila Sunrise" again and eat lunch... have a really lovely day
PEACE!